# 66
Episode 18,719: Codgers, Dodgers and Bonkers:
Coming at you in tonight’s episode - Shock-studded Nigel ‘Johnny’ Farrago, Euro sceptic bad-boy and leader of hot-riding tricycle gang, The Kippers:
· Follow ‘Johnny’ back down the years to the land that time forgot,
· Meet The Kippers, trapped forever in a monochrome world where it’s always 1953,
· Thrill to their authentic ‘B’ movie dialogue,
· Cringe as The Kippers descend on the dozy little free-market town of Toryville
· Gasp as Farrago trashes Danish pastries, French letters, Polish plumbers, Dutch caps, Brussels sprouts, Romany caravans, German shepherds, bouncing Czechs, Grecian 2,000 and Spanish flies,
Stone me, it’s the Geriatric Chapter of UKIP pedalling into Toryville
· Yawn as the Tories whinge about having The Kippers down their way and up their noses,
· Run for it when hard-living ‘Johnny’ Farrago mumbles to anyone who’ll listen, “After a while, you just gotta have fun and if someone gets hurt, I guess that’s tough!”
Über-cool, jive-talkin’, top Kipper, Nigel ‘Johnny’ Farrago
Things have been getting pretty desperate of late down here in Toryland, I don’t mind telling you. Going from bad to worse you might say. The pound’s down, the economy’s flat, the cupboard’s bare, the country’s bust, the tide’s out and the game’s up. Buttocks are being tightly clenched all over Berkshire . The local gentry are defecting to The Kippers in droves; others are demanding that Sheriff ‘Call me Dave’ Bonkers stands up to the leather-jacketed old codgers.
To be fair, Dave has been twitching frantically in recent days and yesterday it’s rumoured he actually blinked. Eventually, well by just before tea-time, even Dave couldn’t stand the sight of Farrago any longer and he snapped into decisive action, ordering potted shrimp sandwiches all round with fifty shades of Earl Grey.
Sheriff Dave’s Dilemma: will five sandwiches be enough to get Farrago stuffed?
But has Sheriff Dave left his shock culinary initiative too late? Behind his back Dave’s daughter, the truly scrumptious Doris Bonkers, has been pouting and making eyes at Farrago. Suddenly, Doris slips closer to the leathery Lothario and tempts him with a slice of Battenberg.
“I wish I was going someplace,” sighs Doris , “I wish you were going someplace. Why, I even wish we could go someplace together…”
Coy, Battenberg Temptress Doris Bonkers.
Anxious to avoid any unmediated contact with reality, the clueless Tories sit around the Toryville Tea-room nattering about such pressing matters as the need for a bedroom tax on gay-marriages. Step forward investigative waitress Mildred ‘Peaches’ Paxperson; she’s a girl who sure knows how to question a guy.
“Hey Farrago,” demands ‘Peaches’, “What ya rebelling against?”
“Whadda ya got, baby?” ‘Johnny’ snaps back, quicker than an MEP trousering his expenses.
Asking the questions, ‘Peaches’ Paxperson
Just then, with an annoyingly repetitive and very loud squeak, squeak, squeak of wobbly wheels coming off, Nick ‘Chino
“I say chaps, I loves you both dearly of course, but I’ve been looking in every ditch from Eastleigh to here, hoping you was dead.”
Dodgy Libertines’ leader Nick “Chino
At this rather unkind greeting, Sheriff Dave looks more baffled than ever and not a little hurt as he hands round the cupcakes. He had thought he and Cleggie were pals, working together for the good of tax-dodgers everywhere. What had become of those happy days playing with their conkers behind the bike sheds at Eton he wondered, a tad glumly.
Meanwhile, round and round the mulberry bush, the people of Toryville grow increasingly restive. Some are beginning to whisper about electing a new Sheriff.
“I’ve seen hoodlums like this before,” shouts prominent local know-it-all Mister Gove. “If you don’t get tough with them the minute they get outta line, you’re sunk. You’re the cop here, aren’t you Sheriff Dave? If you can’t boot these jerks out there’s plenty of us can…”
A concerned citizen
That does it for Dave. The prospect of seeing Gove as Sheriff fills him with a bowel-loosening dread and he resolves to be really quite firm with Farrago. First, he threatens to put the lid back on the biscuit tin. When that doesn’t work he orders Doris to stop cutting the crusts off Johnny’s sandwiches. But Farrago sits there, totally unmoved and grinning idiotically. (Well, I ask you, how else would he grin?)
Stoopid? Moi?
“I don’t get you,” says Dave, trying to sound very stern. “I don’t want to get cross in front of all these people but I don’t get your act and I don’t think you do either. I don’t think you know what you’re trying to do or how to go about it. I think you’re stupid. Real stupid and, probably, real lucky.”
Just to underline the point, Dave sticks his tongue out and makes the special ‘horrid face’ he usually keeps for Ed Balls.
Cool as you like, Farrago drains his tea-cup and beckons Doris to pour him another. He wipes his mouth without using the serviette provided and looks sideways at Dave.
“You keep needlin’ me if you want,” mumbles ‘Johnny’, “But if you do I’m gonna take this joint apart and you’re not gonna know what hit you.”
“Glory be, Johnny,” says Doris , “You said all that without once moving your lips. Can it be there’s Method Acting in your madness?”
Dave surveys the crowded parlour and realises too late that Doris has put out all the best china. The bill for breakages will be extreme if the biker boys kick off. Suddenly, the tea-room has gone quiet. Too quiet. Dave politely asks Farrago to step outside and everyone laughs so much they nearly fall off their chairs. Dave is really getting quite cross by now.
“What’s the matter, fish-face?” he says to Farrago, “You been hit over the head so often you don’t know when you’re getting a break?”
Cue music: Rum tee-tum, tee-tum, tee-tum, dum der diddlee, dah dah….
Will Johnny step outside? Is Dave planning to lock the door as soon as he does? Will Doris ever get to go someplace? Why has no one set places for Balls and Millipede? Who ate all the pies? Stands the church clock at ten to three and is there honey still for tea?
Who gives a toss?
Find answers to all these questions and more when the next election comes around and we bring you ‘Cut to the Chase’ - hopefully the final gripping but grisly instalment of ‘Meet The Kippers’.
[The Bus Lane wishes to express its grateful appreciation to ‘The Wild One’, (Columbia Pictures, 1953. Director: László Benedek. Starring Marlon Brando, Mary Murphy and Lee Marvin. ) without which tonight’s episode of The Kippers would not have been possible.]
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