Throwing the Book at Abu Qatada [Part 2]

#58

Recent events have turned our attention once more to an ancient copy of The Old Pretender’s Book of Travesties held by the Antiquarian Section of our Lost Property Department. Our reading resumes at Peculiars VI, Chapter 6, verse 6:

“ 6 And it came to pass that Abu Qatada al-Filistini, being greatly vexed in his own land, did fold away his tent in the night and journey by stealth into the land of the Angles and the Saxons.  There he did spew forth many intemperate harangues, which he did pass off as sermons, and great was the paranoia thereof. And it became known amongst the people of that land that he did big-up Osama Bin Laden and his brethren in the tribe of al-Qaeda, and the people were most assuredly not amused.

“ 7 And the scribes and scribblers of the Angles and of the Saxons were moved to denounce The Abu from their housetops and from their Redtops. And there began a mighty cacophony of voices crying, ‘Woe and thrice woe, for this Abu that has come amongst us is a foreigner who speaketh only foreign and weareth a  mighty foreign beard and, were that not bad enough, he is plainly also an ill-mannered sod to boot.’ And so it was that they did very soon bang him up in Belmarsh, according to their custom, and make as if they had thrown away the key.

“ 8 But then the friends of The Abu arose, saying, ‘Yeah, you is well out of order there, bro, and we is taking you to court so that we can habeas his corpus, in’it?’ And then did the leaders of the Tory-ites and the Labourites gird up their loins and speak unto the people saying, ‘This Abu, as thou well knowest, is a right pain in all our buttocks and any day now he will feel the force of our righteous size elevens upon his hind-quarters and be expelled forthwith unto the land of his forefathers which is in the Kingdom of Jordan.’

“ 9  But lo, an appeal was carried many leagues thence by an handmaiden of The Abu to the mighty Court of Human Rights which dwells beyond the Land of Nod in the Land of Euro. And the Eurocrats did demand that the Tory-ites do stay their heads, hands and feet for fear that The Abu might be delivered unto sundry wicked sons of bitches who would surely render his garments and water his board and apply their rods even unto his tender parts.

“10 And when this became known among the Angles and Saxons there was much wailing and gnashing of teeth. For it was revealed also unto them that The Abu would receive great treasure of income support and housing benefit and be permitted a daily stroll even unto Pound Land, which is at the other end of the High Street.

“11 And Lo, signs and portents were made manifest in The Sky and darkness fell across the face of The Sun and even the dreaded Murdoch became but a humble shadow.

“12 And in those days there arose from amongst the Saxon host, one that was called Paul of Acre. And Paul was accompanied by a rushing wind of obscenities whenever he did pass about the City and the very ground did tremble beneath the wheels of his Roller. For he was  begat by Rothermere out of Northcliffe and did love to smite his breast mightily as he spake and to chastise the peoples of Euro land for being foreign and possibly French and sundry similar offences.

“13  And it came to pass that Paul of Acre did summon unto his presence  Young Cameron, leader of the Posh Boys; being the one that is called The Dave. And Paul spake unto The Dave saying, ‘It is an abomination in the sight of the people that The Euros is leaving us stuck with this undesirable foreign weirdo who hath broken all the Laws of Cricket. We know in our hearts that he should have been given ‘OUT’, leg-before if not caught-behind, and quite possibly off-side as well.’

“14 But The Dave was an oily man, and great was the smoothness thereof. And he did soothe Paul of Acre by saying unto him, ‘Give us this day our daily mail, even unto the seventh day. And know that I am on The Abu’s case both by day and by night. The twigs and twiglets of My Special Branch is all over him like a rash and we will soon have his sorry ass  bang-to-rights and show him the Red Card for handling the ball even within his own penalty area, no less.’

“15 But there were in that land others abiding in the fields, keeping watch over their flocks. One of their number was called The Guardian of the Sheep and another was The Independent of the Goats. And they were sorely troubled and went amongst the people, saying, ‘The land of the Angles is a country of laws not of press Barons. The Eurocrats is right to have protected The Abu, despite our knowing that if he had his wicked way none of his nor our Human Righteousness would stand a snowball’s chance in Hell.  

“16 ‘Now therefore, let us give thanks that we dwell under the Convention of The Euro lands. For, verily, the right to be protected from torture is one that prevaileth at all times, irrespective of the victim’s conduct. Deprivation of rights is not a legitimate punishment for whosoever doth trespass or even seem to trespass against us.’

“17 And the shepherds and goatherds passed amongst their brethren, saying, ‘Get ye a grip, for all our sakes, thou bunch of silly-billies. We may not like it, but preaching offensive sermons doth not remove from The Abu all vestiges of human rights. For why else do we have courts?’

“18 And when news of this reached Paul of Acre he was filled with wrath and he saith unto The Dave in his private Chamber, ‘Yo, Rude Boy, we is being run by the distant Euros and their namby-pamby left-handed friends. It is a right stitch-up, I is telling you, which we are minded to abide no longer, in’it?’

“19 But lo, before The Dave could answer him, the door to the room bursteth open and in did stroll The Clegg, Prince among the Liberalites. Behind him lumbered Kenneth The Clerke but the girth of The Ken was too portly owing to great feasting on cakes and ale and he could not pass through the door.

“ 20 And The Ken did utter a mighty blast on his trumpet and another on his saxophone and he spake unto The Dave from outside, saying, ‘Cool it, Daddio, go man go, yeah! And now pray tell why it is that you is not listening to me and The Clegg concerning the Righteousness of the Euros? For am I not thine own annointed overseer of All Justice and stuff?’

“21 And then did The Dave smile his biggest smile and answered him, saying unto all that were gathered there, ‘Fear not, My Dear Old Things, for even as we do speak the Bless’ed Theresa in her Wing’ed Chariot is descending upon the Kingdom of Jordan to knock their simple towelled heads together and make plain unto them the error of their ways.

“22 ‘And hereafter shall only peace and justice fall upon our heads as the gentle rain falleth from Heaven; thanks be to Dawkins.’ And no sooner had The Ken and The Clegg gone upon their separate ways rejoicing than did The Dave scratcheth a note to self upon his tablet which did read thusly, ‘ Getteth The Ken away from the House of Justice at the earliest reshuffle for his feet are not well planted upon the stony ground of Toryism.’

“23 And in this manner and with sundry sleights, alarums, diversions and Olympian spectacles, The Dave did distract the hard-working families of the Angles and Saxons. And the readership of Acre fell once more into their complacent stupor, leaving only the aged Murdoch to lead as many as would follow him in a merry dance even unto the death.”

“24 And when all these things had come to pass, at the very last didst The Abu appeal even unto the Three Wise Men that is dwelling within the Special Immigration Appeals Commission and they did ponder the rights and wrongs of it all and scratch their buttocks for many a long month and twain. And lo they did finally relieve themselves of their judgement that the evidence extracted by sundry tortures even from the brethren of The Abu might still be held against his person and that therefore he could not rightfully be catapulted even unto the Kingdom of Jordan.

“25 And when the minions of the Home Office heard this they were sore afraid and did venture unto the Bless’ed Theresa with fear and trembling. And surely then the Bless’ed Theresa did let forth a mighty wail and did bang her head upon the wall and upon the floor and did foam at the mouth and did chew upon the carpet which covereth the floor of her chamber,  crying aloud, ‘Stone me and stone the bleedin’ crows! Verily, I is going to get a righteous roasting when I is breaking this news even unto the Host of The Smug Little Bercow which is called The Commons.’

“26 And lo it came to pass, even as Theresa hath predicted, and in the morning she was again toast in all the papers. And then did The Dave gird up his loins one more time and comfort her saying, ‘Fear not, my dear old fruit, for the pathway of the righteous is clear before us, even though it be as bent as a scenic railway. For Lo, the King of the Jordans is coming amongst us next week and I is well minded to get him on-side with a few of our surplus Harrier jumping jets and sundry other bits of impressive military kit. And in the meantime we is going to appeal the case of The Abu even unto the Court of The Three Wise Monkeys which I is even now inventing.’

“27 And at this did the Bless’ed Theresa fall upon his neck with kisses and did shout her hosannas loudly unto The Sky, for she knew in her heart that the Three Wise Monkeys would hear no evil, see no evil and could speak no evil. And thus was The Dave become, in her eyes at least, an operator of the highest order of smoothness.

“28 And at the going down of The Sun, and with even the once mighty ramparts of The Beeb crashing down about their ears, verily the peoples of the land of Angles and Saxons did weep copious tears into their pints and did enquire even of themselves and of any who would listen, just what the hell was going on.”

- May God help us all.

Amen