Signs of The Times #1 - The New Technocracy

#34

   From time to time, we in the Bus Lane invite other distinguished flâneurs to proffer a frisson of additional enlightenment to our reader. In view of the fashion across Europe for technocrats to step up and take the reins from flailing politicians, we turn this week to a celebrated local technocrat, Sir Nigel Molesworth DVD, Aegrotat Professor of Cerulean Cogitation & Urbane Sprawl at the University of Tooting.

   Last Tuesday morning (or was it Thursday?) we found Sir Nigel paddling with a group of captive gerunds and a bi-polar rhomboid in the shallow end of the Think-Tank at St Custard’s. After a brief altercation, he reluctantly agreed to submit the following end-of-the-pier-reviewed paper in exchange for the usual liquid lunch.

Whizz for Newtrinos: where Eisenstein may have gon a bit wrong

By Prof. (hem hem) n molesworth[1].

Sir Albert Eisenstein was well braney but like my unfortunate encomiast peason he woz eezly distraktid by gurls eg marylin munrow. Sometimes he make films when he shud have been doing prep. I partikly like the one where lots of tutors in armur are having a big battle and go falling thru the ice. It wasn’t so terrible, not like the one about ivan novello. Or there was anuther called Battleship Ptolemy where a tini tot in a pram go beyonce beyonce beyonce down the odessa steppes (boo hoo) and soldjers is shootin at matron so it was not that bad after orl. (It make me shudder sa molesworth 2).

Well, i arsk you, is it any wonder the rusians ended up with a starling as there dictator?

But I digress. Wot realy matters is that brian epstein workt out his grate THEORY of RELATIVITY which make sense of life, the universe and everythink. Yeah, yeah, yeah! And wot is that grate theory to us, pray, prof nigel (hem hem) I here you arsk? Aktualy, no one realy kno. Dr Fotherington-tomas sa it is all about everything being related to everythink else. But I sa that is hippy crap and he is utterly wet and a weed. Someone shud tuough him up. Peason sa relativity is about us all being kith and kin. Kith my arth sa molesworth 2.

I diskard them bothe.

I sa that wot Rickstein realy mean is that energy is the same as everythink else timesed by itself. Witch as any fule kno mean you have to go v fast if u want to travel in time and never be late ever agane. And you get v tyred as a result. John steinbeck sa that no one can go as fast as lite for very long coz everythink gets v heavy. Chiz chiz. Even yore arms and legs.

Which bring me to newtrinos. Roger sam hammerstein tell you that this is Latin for newts. Now everyone kno that fastest thing in universe is speed at which Grabber and his chums at BOSS[2] can trouser a cash bonus. Next fastest thing is lite.

So why are so many brane-boxes getting so xcited about newtrinos? I here you arsk. Let prof nigel (hem hem) explane in simple terms. Listen carefly, I only sa this once.

Well first a load of newts was fired by the mighty death-ray blaster from swizerland to italy thru miles of solid rock and some swot sa they arrive sooner than little miss sunshine was xpecting. This is so obviously wrong I hesitate to go on but it seem I must. One reason is that all newts look the same espeshly when they are all skwashed and bashed up. So who kno if the ones turning up in italy are the same as the ones shot from Genevieve? Second reason is that lite cant travel thru solid rock as any clot shud kno – otherwise it wud not be so dark inside caves wud it? So of coarse the newts get there first if they go in a strate line and the lite have to go up hill and down dale. And anuther reason is dead obvious if you just look at the mapp. Going from swizerland to italy is down hill all the way. They shud next try firing the newts upwards from italy. Then they wud see that I wos right in the end.

Enuf said.

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Professor Molesworth’s latest book All There is to Kno About Space (Six pages, lavishly illustrated) is available from Pukonboox.com for a measly 4.5 trillion of yore earth £££s

Next Week: Signs of The Times #2 – the New Buffoonery by Jeremy Clarkson

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[1] nigel molesworth appear curtsy of Geoffrey Willans & Ronald Searle. See also www.stcustards.free-online.co.uk

[2] B.O.S.S. = Bank of Swizzes & Swindles