# 26
We celebrate the rain soaked end of summer with a light-fingered peek behind the scenes at The Bus Lane…
Our Mission Statement [1st Draft]
“Or set upon a golden bough to sing
To lords and ladies of Byzantium
Of what is past, or passing or to come.”
W.B. Yeats Sailing to Byzantium
Our Mission Statement [2nd Draft]
“On time, on-line and on Crack…”
Tom Perdue, Gimme Strength, 2011.
Inside the Blog Factory:
Meet Our Research Department:
From a secure and highly secret location on the roof of Streatham Bus Garage, our three stalwart researchers – Artificer Higgs, Bo’sun Particle and Ron (‘Hard Ron’) Collider - constantly monitor all available media, trawling through the furthermost backwaters of the Internet and out into the dark matter beyond. Their budget is unfathomable, their metaphors mixed, their puns intentional. Their mission: to locate, stun and haul on board any and all material and ideas that might be suitable for plagiarism. So far, only the God Particle has evaded them. Rest assured; anything intelligent, creative, sensitive or even mildly amusing out there and these lads will be on it like a ton of bricks.
FAQs:
1. Is there some plan behind all this or do we just keep buying lottery tickets?
(Mr P. Floyd, Nuneaton )
Answer: Remember when you were young, you shone like the sun…
2. I was driving across the burning desert, when I spotted six jet planes. Is there any point to my journey?
(Ms J. Mitchell, Up The Joshua Tree)
Answer: The point of the journey, Joni, is the journey, Joni – okay?
3. I need to get from Strawberry Fields to Abbey Road via Penny Lane on a Sunday. How should I travel?
(Mr P. Coleoptera, Wirral)
Answer: Hopefully, Paul – as always.
4. I ride on a mail train baby, can’t buy no thrill. Does being in a hurry get me to the top of the hill any faster?
(Mr R. Zimmerperson, Coney Island )
Answer: No, Bob, – but it will seem to take longer and longer.
5. Sittin’ thinkin’ sinkin’ drinkin’. Are seats still available on the Party Bus?
(Sir C. Richard, Windsor Castle
Answer: Get a grip, Keith. (Are you sure?)
6. If we can’t have everything we always wanted, and it’s beginning to seem as if we can’t; at what point do we settle for what we’ve got?
(Suzanne T. Andoranges, Hastings.)
Answer: When they nail the lid on the box.
7. What would you do if I sang out of tune?
(Sgt. P. Epper, Chelsea Barracks)
Answer: Stand up and walk out on you.
8. Is there really a crack, a crack in everything?
(Brother Starkey , Nepal
Answer: Yes, Wistan, that’s how the light gets in.
Social & Life-skills Department:
Drink Aware!
The priest raises the glass of red wine and says, “Drink until you see Jesus”
- Italian Chefs, BBC TV 25 May 2011.
A recent episode of the Swedish Policier ‘Wallander’ on BBC4 included the following exchange when yer man asked a young policewoman to return to duty:
Policewoman: “I can’t. I’ve been drinking.”
Wallander: “Who hasn’t?”
[‘The Courier’ (Kuriren) BBC4 9pm 04 June 2011.]
“The trick is to get very, very drunk and then dance until you are sick.”
- The Hour, BBC Television, 23 August 2011.
James Joyce: “Ah, Trieste , Trieste
Finnegans Wake, 1920 something.
Sports Desk
Yes, it’s a Sporting Life in the Bus Lane, even if we only wrap our chips in it.
Horse racing:
The wheels jolly nearly came off the ruddy desk (Sponsored by Bet-Fried Chicken – either way, it’s a gamble!) yesterday evening when news finally arrived (via semaphore flags and the occasional codger bearing a cleft stick when there is no unobstructed line-of-sight between bedroom windows) that the 2.30 at York had been won by Sepp Blatter on Capello, followed home by Jack Warner on Bung Ho and with Her Majesty riding the favourite, Rupert’s Lad in third place. Mark Hughes on Mohamed Al-Fayed’s gelding Cottage Pie again failed to finish. Controversially, the Appeal Court had earlier barred Kiera Knightley from riding Ethical Dilemma in the FIFA Pantomime Stakes.
Footie:
All other things being equal (which they seldom are) Henry Kissinger remains our hot tip to take over as manager of Arsenal before the end of the month. As regards Ryan G*ggs the transfer plughole remains open.
Olympics:
Lord Coe of Barking Creek has confirmed that zimmer-frame users playing chicken with the 159 in the Bus Lane will not be admitted as an Olympic Sport in time for London 2012.
Formula 1:
Efforts to re-locate the Bahrain Grand Prix to the streets of Beirut
Food Safety:
Are cucumbers now safe to eat?
“Cucumbers? I didn’t know we were meant to eat them!” (Anon)
Calling All Pseuds!
Kirsty Young, announces that Elgar’s Cello Concerto “Speed dials the soul”.
Radio 4, 11.06.11.
Here’s our current selection – as voted by followers of The Bus Lane - for eight 45rpm discs to go to the top of the playlist at that café round the back of the caravan park. (You know the one I mean, there’s burned-out Mondeo on the pavement opposite – been there since last Guy Fawkes’ night…)
Dixie Chicken – Little Feat- Tommy Roe : Sheila
- Elvis : Jailhouse Rock
- Eddie Cochran : Summertime blues
- Bob Dylan : Subterranean Homesick Blues
- Pulp : Common People
- Johnny Cash : I Walk the Line
- Plastic Bertrand : Ca Plane Pour Moi
- Buddy Holly : Peggy Sue
- Willin’ : Little Feat
- Bruce Springsteen : The River
(That’s eleven you idiot – there are only meant to be eight!)
More Suggestions please!
In addition to a cricket-box and antibiotics, what other luxuries would you take if you were to be cast-away on Canvey Island
And your choice of book? – apart from the Argos Catalogue, Nutz and Hello! magazines which are – of course - already there.
And your suggestions for one frivolous distraction of no practical use – and you can’t pick Boris Johnson because London
Bizarre facts:
Sarah Palin and the “failing upward syndrome”. Sarah is now one of those ‘celebrities’ whose profile and general acclaim perversely seem to increase every time they screw-up in public.
Is this the new ‘American way’ to success?
Last Word:
Famous last words:
“Get my swan costume ready.”
Anna Pavlova, ballerina. Died 1931
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